Mobile Site

Devotees of Fr. Cherubim (Thorn) Demand his Immediate Canonization and Full Recognition as "Equal to the Heirophants"

Jonathan's Corner (Sitemap) > Orthodox Books Online and More > Orthodox Humor > Devotees of Fr. Cherubim (Thorn) Demand Immediate Canonization and Full Recognition as "Equal to the Heirophants"
Previous 1 Next
Printer-Friendly Version

Adamant devotees of Fr. Cherubim (Thorn) demand his immediate canonization and full recognition as "Equal to the Heirophants". They have stepped beside their usual tactics of demanding canonization whether or not Fr. Cherubim should be canonized, and demanding that any problems be swept under the carpet, to insist that he be called, "Equal to the Heirophants."

Much of the work in his wake consolidated in the book, Christ the Eternal Doubt. Our devotee explained, "Cherubim Thorn saw more than anything the spiritual toxicity of postmodernism. And he sensed, perhaps even more than he realized, that the proper rebuttal to postmodernism is to reconstruct modernism: indeed, there are powerful modernist currents in his thought even when he seems to condemn all Western trends. The great grandfather of modernism was René DesCartes, and Cherubim Thorn uncovered layer after layer of this philosopher whose very name means 'Born Again' and whose Meditations put doubt on a pedestal and said, in essence, 'Doubt what you can; what remains after doubt is unshakable.' And Λογος or Logos is interchangeable, one might almost say homoousios, with logic and with doubt." And to quench the ills of the postmodern world, Fr. Cherubim mined a vein that would come together in the classic Christ the Eternal Doubt.

Fr. Cherubim has left a considerable wake; the tip of the iceberg is in his contribution to a wave of commited Evangelicals deciding that being Orthodox is an indispensible aid to pursuing their cottage industry of reconstructing the ancient Church. The sycophant excitedly commented, "Yes; there was an article on this phenomenon in The Onion Dome. It was a bit like that article in The Onion, um, what was it... there was a woman, a strong woman, who overcame years of childhood abuse to become a successful porn star. And this is nothing next to what happened when he was the only fashionable Orthodoxy the communist East could listen to."

Fr. Cherubim was indeed very concerned that his version of the Fathers be adhered to. He pointed out that many Church Fathers, in giving the theology of the created world, absolutely denied that matter was made from atoms and molecules, but insisted that science properly interpreted proves that matter was made from the four elements: "earth, air, fire, and water." And he drew a line in the sand here, and most of his devotees are extraordinarily suspicious about whether you can be Orthodox and believe anything like modern atheistic chemistry.

There is some slight controversy surrounding Fr. Cherubim's teaching on the phantom tollbooth. His position, as carried forth by others, is that practically every major element of The Phantom Tollbooth is already in the Fathers and is attested in quite ancient liturgy. Consequently, many argue, the book The Phantom Tollbooth is no mere imaginative children's tale, but an entirely literal factual account describing life beyond the mundane.

But perhaps the most controversial feature of Fr. Cherubim and his wake is the most controversial. Fr. Cherubim's devotees insist that he pre-eminently unlocks the Fathers for us today, and if you want to understand the Fathers, you must spare no effort to sit at his feet. And Fr. Cherubim insisted that nothing connected with the chalice should be understood as wine in today's world.

Our devotee explains. "Pasteurized, yeast-fermented wine was as unknown in the ancient world as plastic; in the ancient world, with cultures you cannot get the way you can get yeast, their wine never fermented beyond four percent alcohol, a third of our wine's strength, and was not drunk straight, but diluted to a third of its 'full' strength. And really, the ancient fermentation process of lacto-fermentation produces something that is apple-and-screwdriver different from what modern refined fermentation accomplishes." When our reporter asked if that meant grape juice, the devotee said, "Never! Again we are discussing pasteurization, something unknown to ancient cultures. Perhaps Greeks did not have separate words for 'wine' and 'unfermented grape juice', but Church Fathers used fermented 'wine' exclusively. And only Fr. Cherubim saw what that leaves us today. Something simple, humble, made from household materials, and in my opinion singularly fitting to his character."

When our reporter asked what that left, our devotee seemed surprised. "The clear equivalent today is grape Kool-Aid."

Our reporter was momentarily stunned, but then realized this was the key to understanding this powerful figure. Wherever he goes, his devotees' admiration tastes like Kool-Aid. Whether it be a book on Doubt, or scientific efforts to dethrone atheistic "chemistry" and show that the science of the creation points away from chemistry, his follower's words bear an unmistakable taste of Kool-Aid.

Perhaps that is the key to understanding Fr. Cherubim and all that happens in his wake.

You might also like...

Archdruid of Canterbury Visits Orthodox Patriarch

Creation and Holy Orthodoxy: Fundamentalism Is Not Enough

Evangelical Converts Striving to Be Orthodox

What Makes Me Uneasy About Fr. Seraphim (Rose) and His Followers

Top