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Christian Koans
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A CEO sent a business card to a master, listing his name and title. The master sent a novice, saying, "Send him away. I have no time to waste with such a person!"
The visitor then scratched out his title and degrees, sending the card back with only his name.
"Aah, send him in!", the master said. "I have been longing to meet that fellow."
A visiting liberal theologian was talking with a master and said, "We have found a way of interpreting the whole Bible that is in accordance with our progressive and liberated beliefs."
At that moment, the power went out, and the room was plunged into darkness.
"Just a minute," the master said, and returned with a candle and some matches. He lit the candle, and they talked for a while longer.
After a time, the theologian wanted to get off to bed, and the master said, "Here, take this candle; it will light your way so that you will not stumble."
As the visitor received the candle, the master blew it out.
A visiting novice said to a master, "I have been taught to carefully live by rules and not do anything that might cause me trouble, in order that I not do wrong."
The master took a heavy stone, and dropped it on a small crystalline statuette, crushing it to dust. "I have protected that statue with a great stone, so that nothing can harm it."
A novice asked a master, "Have you made much progress over what the Church used to believe in ancient times?"
The master said, "None of us considers himself wise enough to do better than what God has declared to be true. Do you?"
A novice asked a master, "Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
The master said, "Yes. No. Both."
The novice said, "Please. It will help me better understand where you are coming from."
The master said, "Is the elephant in your closet eating peanut butter? Answer me now, yes or no."
"If I say either 'yes' or 'no'," the novice protested, "I will deceive you and set back your understanding greatly."
"And if I say either 'Catholic' or 'Protestant'," the master answered, "I also will deceive you and set your understanding back greatly. I am a Christian. If you think anything more, you will know less."
A novice told a master, "I am going to seminary."
"Why?", the master asked.
"To become well-versed in Scripture and Christian doctrine."
The master began to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?", the novice asked.
"I am going to the garage," the master answered.
"Why?", the novice asked.
"To become a car."
Someone challenged a master, saying, "The Bible and Christian tradition say, first, that God the Creator is all powerful, second, that God the Creator is all good, third, that God the Creator is all wise, and fourth, that there is evil in God's creation now.
"These contradict each other, so one of them must be false. Which one do you deny?"
The master said, "I deny the one that says that your mind has the power, the wisdom, and the authority to put God in a box and say, 'These contradict each other, so one of them must be false. You're wrong, God.'"
"And in conclusion," the speaker said, "truly understanding the overall teaching of Scripture requires that one disregard problematic passages such as the 'Do not resist evil.' in the Sermon on the Mount that was brought up earlier."
"I agree completely," the master said, "To get a good view of the forest, it is essential to chop down all the trees that keep obstructing your view."
Someone told a master, "I memorize the Scriptures so that I will be able to answer anyone who comes to me, with the very words of God."
The master said, "Let me tell you about that painting on the wall," and described in perfect detail every hue, every brush stroke.
"Very well," the visitor said, "but what is the painting a picture of?"
"Very well," the master said, "but what is the Bible about?"
A novice asked a master, "Can't God let even one of the damned enter into Heaven?"
The master said, "By the time the damned will enter Hell, they will be so steeped in evil that even Heaven would be Hell to them."
A novice said to a master, "How can I reach up to God?"
The master said, "Let God reach down to you."
A Star Trek fan told a master, "Christianity is like the Borg, sucking in every nation and race it can, making them like itself. I, for one, refuse to be assimilated."
The master hung his head. "It is so sad."
"What is so sad? That Christianity wants to assimilate me? That I refuse to be assimilated?"
"That the Borg has already assimilated you, and you believe it to be perfection."
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Christian Koans
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