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Chapter Thirty-Nine
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There was healing in Ellamae's touch, and that of the others -- restoration not only for Amos's wounded body, but for his broken soul. Their love was a healing balm, and after a day of weeping and eating MREs as fast as he could keep them down, Amos graced them with his deep, rich smile, and a day later he called for a rousing chorus of "99 bottles of beer," sung very loudly and very off-key, sometimes in several keys at once. This was one of Amos's favorite traditions, and it had surprised more than a couple of people who knew how truly good his baritone voice was. They were in Texas, approaching Jim's village, when something interesting happened.
Their radiator blew.
Jaben and Amos walked into the village, although by the end of the walk they had each drunk a canteen dry, and were thirsty and sorefooted when they reached Jim's shack. Jim rose to greet them, and said, "Hi, Jaben, and is this Amos? Why the sheepish grin, Jaben?"
Jaben shuffled, cleared his throat, and said, "I'm embarrassed to say this, but could we impose on you for another radiator?"
Jim laughed, and said, "Sure. I just got another van of your make and model in this week. I thought your new radiator had a bit more life in it. Would come with me to the yard? I'll step inside for my tools."
Jim was pleased to make Amos's acquaintance, and it was mostly those two who were talking as Jim and Jaben worked on the radiator ("You'd make a great mechanic," Jim said -- "I might try that when my present position ends," Jaben replied). It wasn't that long before the friends' van had a new radiator, and it wasn't long after that that they were sitting at Jim's regular table, with the card table pulled up, eating collard greens and smothered pork chops.
Sarah opened the conversation, by saying, "I'm grateful to you, Jim, and I trust you."
Jim smiled, and said, "Thank you. Out of curiosity, why do you trust me?"
"Your touch is that of a trustworthy man."
"How can you tell that from touch?"
"You know when two strangers are sitting next to each other on the bus, and their legs are touching? Their bodies are touching, but their spirits aren't touching. They aren't really touching.
"I've had hugs that felt like handshakes, and handshakes that felt like hugs; what most people know is that a touch means different things depending on how much of the body is touching and where, but what most people don't know is that a touch also is different depending on how much of the spirit is touching and where. Children's hugs can be the best, because when they're touching you, they aren't doing anything else, not anything; you're their whole universe, and you're wrapped in their trusting arms. There is something in the touch of a child who has not yet learned to draw back, just like there is something in the words of a child who has not yet learned guile. I don't mean that young children can't lie, or pull back -- but a child who will transparently lie about stealing cookies still doesn't know how to put guile into real and honest communication, and a child who draws back and says 'I don't want to hug you' still doesn't know how to draw back when he's touching someone. I --"
"So that's why your hug reminded me of a child," interrupted Jim.
Sarah began to blush, and continued. "You can tell a lot about a man by the way he touches. Kind of like what you can tell by whether and how he looks you in the eyes -- eye contact is a form of touch -- only moreso. Your touch has a lot of strength -- even apart from your calloused hands, I can tell that you spend a lot of time applying force when you fix things -- but it is a strength with complete control and gentleness. You are strong, but I do not fear you. And it is a touch that draws me into your heart. You have a big heart. If you were a man whom I couldn't trust, you would be holding something back; you can tell when a person's holding back, and his touch says, 'There is something about me that I don't want you to know.' But your touch doesn't say that. It's transparent. Even when you gave me a handshake, when I touched your hand, I felt your heart."
Jim sat, with his mouth open. "What else do you know about me?"
"Not much," Sarah said. "I'm not an astrologer."
"You saw more of Sarah than she usually shows at first glance. Most people think she's a ditz," Lilianne said.
Jaben got up, and gently pulled Sarah's hair aside, so he could see part of her scalp.
"What are you doing?" Sarah asked.
"What an odd tattoo," Jaben said. "It says, 'Do not exceed 65 PSI.'"
Sarah hit Jaben, and he sat down.
Amos said, "It's so good to have your friendship, your community, your banter.
Désirée said, "It's so good to have you back, Amos. Our communion is restored; our fellowship is complete."
Amens circled round the table. They joined hands over the meal:
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise him all creatures here below.
Praise him above, ye heavenly host.
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Amen.
They dug in, and for a time people were silent as they enjoyed the meal. Then Thad said, "I had a mystical experience when we were driving out of Tijuana. It was my first mystical experience while driving."
Jim raised his eyebrows, and said, "A mystical experience while driving? I thought they came in church, and deep meditation, and things like that. I've never had one. I'm too ordinary."
Thaddeus smiled, and said, "Those moments are gifts from God, that come quite often unexpected. The biggest qualification you can have is a sense of need before God. And there is something ordinary about the mystical -- no, that's not quite right, or maybe there is. There is something mystical about the ordinary. Mysticism is not this strange and remote thing; it is very near to us, and you may know more mystics than you think. Every child is born a mystic. The problem is how to keep him that way."
Jim said, "So how do you become a mystic? Do you read a book, or spend a lot of time praying, or whatever?"
Thaddeus said, "I don't know. I don't know how I became a mystic. It's not something you can achieve by doing the right things; it's a gift from God. It's kind of like asking what we did to achieve being given two radiators; the answer is that we did, quite properly, nothing; we cooperated with your gift and God's, but it was given. Prayer can be helpful, but if you try praying six hours a day to make yourself a mystic --
"To borrow from a Zen koan:
"A master observed that a novice was very diligent in prayer; he prayed an hour a day more than anyone else, and could shut out all distractions. One day, the master asked the novice, 'What are you doing?'
"The novice said, 'I am praying hard to make myself a mystic.'
"The master took a tile, set it before the novice, and began to polish it vigorously. 'What are you doing?' the novice asked.
"'I am polishing this tile to make it into a mirror,' the master answered.
"'You can't make a tile into a mirror by polishing it!' the novice protested.
"'And neither can you make yourself into a mystic by prayer,' the master answered.
"Prayer is a fundamental part of mysticism, and there are good books -- I can think of Experiencing God and, let's see, Tales of a Magic Monastery, which is my personal favorite. But if you go to a book and say, 'This will make me a mystic,' you are setting yourself up for failure."
"What was your last mystical experience like? How did you manage to drive and have a mystical experience at once? How much more often do they come when you become an experienced mystic?" James asked.
"I don't know how to describe it. I was driving, and I was with God, and I was suddenly very aware of his presence and love for me, in, under, and through everything around me. I was also intensely aware of my surroundings; it helped me drive, if anything. But I would not too much dwell on mystical experiences; they are a blessing, but there are far greater blessings, those that non-mystics think are dull next to mysticism. It's hard to explain," Thaddeus answered.
James said, "I am still listening with interest."
Thaddeus said, "I feel like I'm in a bind, like I can only explain these things to someone who needs no explanation -- and, in saying this, I probably sound otherworldly and mysterious and an initiate of circles you cannot hope to probe. It is not like that at all. Perhaps my best advice is this: if you value mysticism, forget completely about being a mystic, and seek God with your whole heart. God will make you a mystic if he wants."
Jim said, "I am already doing that."
Thaddeus said, "Then I have nothing to add to you."
Ellamae held her plate, and said, "Could you give me a pork chop?" and then, receiving the food, said, "I think you were following God when you gave us the radiator. It helped us receive our friend back. And the story about that --"
"What is the story about you finding him? Were the Mexican police much help?"
An animated recounting of the story's events followed, and lasted long into the night. They stayed the night, showered, packed up, and headed on the road home.
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